Buddhist psychology claims there are three primary emotions or sensations — pleasant, painful, and neutral. Arising from these primary emotions are our reactions to them, the so-called secondary emotions. For example, we might feel desire or joy in reaction to pleasant sensations, anger or fear in response to painful sensations, and boredom or apathy toward neutral sensations.
We weave narratives and fantasies into our secondary emotions. When pleasant, life seems filled with possibility. When painful, perceived failures or memories of past hurts become the source of ruminations. In either case, the mind gets pulled out of the present moment where real life is happening.
It’s easy to get caught in the habit of continually monitoring and judging ourselves in our efforts to increase pleasure and avoid pain, yet as Sylvia Boorstein wrote, “the First Noble Truth is that life is difficult and painful, just by its nature, not because we’re doing it wrong.”
Meditation is an opportunity to take a break from the continual cycle of grasping at pleasant experiences while avoiding painful experiences. It’s an opportunity to rest into a deeper awareness of our collective humanity, less attached to the drama in our minds and in our lives.
Many are aware of the benefits of meditation — it’s become the wonder cure for the side effects of high stress living. As little as twenty minutes twice a day may reverse some effects of aging and increase empathy for self and others.
However, when too stressed, meditating can be extraordinarily difficult to do. In some cases, and for some people, meditation increases agitation and dysregulation. Fortunately, there are ways to reduce stress, as well as increase resilience to stress, without meditating.
Action Systems Versus Primary Emotions
According to trauma specialists Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhis, and Kathy Steele, there are two basic action systems organizing our responses toward our environments: one draws us “to the rewards and responsibilities of daily life,” and the other leads us to avoid “and escape from physical threat.” Similar to primary emotions, action systems are organized around sensations of pain (defense) and sensations of pleasure (joy and connection). Van der Hart and colleagues point out:
In mentally healthy adults action systems of daily life and defense are integrated. For example, most people live daily life while also being aware of potential dangers: They drive defensively, avoid walking alone at night, and seek shelter during a major storm.
However, when triggered by reminders of past traumas or chronically stressed, integration — and mental health — at least temporarily suffer.
When our bodies are neurobiologically organized for the action systems of daily life, we are more able to enjoy our relationships, play, and be curious rather than reactive. Furthermore, we are more likely to engage in basic responsibilities of daily living without feeling stressed or overwhelmed. This is also the action system in which we are most likely to be aware of our primary emotions and more easily benefit from meditation.
In contrast, the defense action system is organized according to the body’s reactions to real or imagined threats, including the impulse to fight, flight, freeze, submit/shut down, or cry/cling in efforts to regain a sense of safety. The human brain is wired to scan for threat because scanning for threat increases the likelihood of survival. Depending on the environment and past conditioning, some of us regularly react defensively to situations. Furthermore, if you work or live in a stressful environment or find yourself continually triggered by reminders of past traumas, the defense action system can easily overwhelm you.
Theoretically, if your defense system is activated, meditation might seem like a great way to calm down and return to the action systems of daily living. Yet sitting still and “doing nothing” can be dysregulating when overwhelmed by stress, traumatic or otherwise. At such times, instead of focusing on letting go of mental ruminations, it may help to focus on increasing feelings of safety. Thus, rather than returning your awareness to primary emotions or sensations (e.g., the breath) as commonly done while meditating, the focus is on returning to a felt sense of safety.
Safety has three primary categories:
- Body safety (free from external harm or inner worries about your body)
- Emotional stability (lack of inner chaos or mood swings), and
- Safe environment (lack of actual threat and free from feeling unsafe where you are)
When we have all three, most of us have an easier time focusing on the “rewards and responsibilities of daily life.” Furthermore, when you become skilled at identifying when defenses are activated, you can take actions to reduce your felt sense of threat and increase the sense of safety that underscores peaceful and productive living.
Anti-Stress Tool Kit
Typical signs that your defenses are activated include:
- Feeling shaky.
- Feeling frozen.
- Having obsessive thoughts about yourself or someone else.
- Feeling tense.
- Feeling enraged.
- Feeling the need to be right.
- Wanting to get even.
- Feeling terrified.
- Having a sense of doom.
- Feeling a panic attack starting.
The following suggestions uses the body, thoughts, and relationships as resources for dealing with activated defenses when a life-threatening event is not imminent. Working with all three can increase felt sense of safety and support reorienting toward action systems of daily living.
The Body
When stressed, the body is the first to feel the effects, even if we don’t consciously register its reactions. Thus, when you become aware of your lost sense of safety, or that you are beginning to act defensively, it can help to pay attention to the body, which is another way of disengaging from secondary emotions and the storyline that tend to escalate defense reactions.
Some helpful techniques:
- If your body feels like its collapsing, try pushing against a wall with your arms out and your head up so you feel your body reaching from head to toe. This can increase your sense of personal energy, thus increasing your felt sense of body safety.
- If you are feeling enraged or like fighting, try pushing against a wall but without aggression. Rather, focus on grounding or deep breathing, keeping your thoughts on your body sensations.
- If you are feeling frozen or panicked, try wrapping yourself in a blanket or comforter. Breathe full breaths, repeatedly bringing your thoughts back to the present moment. Sometimes it helps to say to yourself, “I can be present without getting caught in the story,” or something like that.
Thoughts
When overwhelmed by stress, decision-making and relationship skills are compromised. Most of the time we know this, at least intuitively, yet we often stay engaged too long with the source of stress in pursuit of a solution or resolution. I tend to think of this approach as an abuse of the thinking function — a common problem in a society that overvalues the power of analytical thought.
It’s always best to step away from a stressful situation, if possible, even if for a few minutes. Escape to the bathroom. Take a walk. Drink some water. Take that therapeutic “timeout” couples therapists wisely recommend. Rather than thinking about the problem, mentalize that you are actively taking care of yourself. Maybe even say (even if just in your head), “My defenses are activated, and I am going to take some time to help myself feel safe again.”
Such self-talk, and acknowledgement of the lost felt sense of safety, can be a powerful first step to regaining clear thinking. In his book, The Developing Mind, Daniel Siegel wrote about the power of what he calls mindsight: “This innate capacity for perceiving the minds of others and of the self.” When overwhelmed by stress, especially traumatic stress, we tend to lose the capacity to have healthy skepticism toward the contents of our minds and the minds of others, acting as if our thoughts and emotions accurately reflect the situation. By mentally “standing back” and taking a mindsight of our inner landscape and the psychological states of others, there is greater opportunity for awareness that you (and/or others) have entered the action system of defense and are feeling threatened, regardless if the threat is real or not.
When overwhelmed and stressed, analyzing your own thoughts or the thoughts of another can exacerbate the problem. Instead, use mindsight to acknowledge the state of your whole being and that you are not feeling safe. Then purposefully distract yourself by refocusing your attention and thoughts. This can take many forms: thinking about a movie you liked, listening to music you enjoy (maybe even singing along), or indulging in smells that appeal to you, such as lavender or sage (maybe keep a bottle at your desk or workstation). When the mind tries to re-engage with the problem, just remind yourself, “Let’s try to feel safe first,” or something like that. Give yourself time to let go and focus on your chosen distraction, staying aware of the underlying goal of creating a felt sense of safety.
Relationships
In a perfect world, none of us would ever worry alone, be scared alone, or face our anger alone. We are much less likely to spiral into negativity or fear when we have someone who can both support us and provide a reality check.
Spend time with someone safe who you trust, preferably on a regular basis, but especially after a stressful event has left you feeling defensive and unsafe. But don’t talk too much about the problem, or problems in general. Instead, focus on calming yourself, even playing (e.g., watch a movie, bake, make art, dance, exercise, play sports, visit a museum or a theme park, have a sleepover—yes, adults too!), and fully leave the action system of defense.
Being perpetually busy, as many of us are, doesn’t always allow the time needed to return to a sense of safety. When super stressed or feeling threatened, it can take hours, even days, to get back to experiencing the rewards of daily living. That’s why it’s good to practice increasing a felt sense of safety on a regular basis. Engage in the above activities with the purposeful goal of increasing general feelings of safety. Be mindfully aware throughout your day of the times when you feel safe: Who are you with? Where are you? What are you doing? What are you NOT doing? Who knows, with enough practice, you might find yourself making time for—and enjoying—meditation.
References
Hart, Onno van der, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele. 2006. The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization. New York: WW Norton & Company.
Siegel, Daniel J. 2012. The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Second ed. New York: The Guilford Press.
Originally published 2014/07/29
Revised 2022/03/19
© Laura K Kerr, PhD. All rights reserved (applies to writing and photography).
